Getting Rid of Self-Judgment so You Can Return to Love

Love cannot come out of judgment

but ironically judgment

always stems out of love

When Nora came to me she was after a year-long break, a comma between a decade of submitting herself to hard work on a family business and the new career she wanted to embark on.

Nora knew she wanted to be of service, that her new path would have to do something embodied. She knew she was going to do something that would contribute to the well-being of people and the nurturing of the planet.

She knew she would not sacrifice her health for work, that she would weave in the spiritual practices she’s acquired in the past years. She knew quite a lot — but, she didn’t know what this new career would be and how to clear the path that will take her there.

At first I thought “how the hell am I going to help her?! I’m not a business coach!”; “I don’t tell people what to write on the wrapping paper or what to call themselves.”

I listened quietly to this familiar voice. It always tells me what I lack and incapable of. If I had listened to it, you’d find me under a broken street-bench looking like a scruffy, hungry cat with my tail between my legs.

As I listened to Nora’s dream I began looking for the the burial sites that held her assets captive. Because if she knew so much about her abilities, direction and the qualities she possessed, what was stopping her?!

Her story began as soon as she finished college and was ready to bite into life’s juicy fruits, when her father came with a proposition to get into a family business.

Nora was vulnerable. She had vital energy but no clear direction. She had ideas but no capital. At that point her father’s demanding, controlling question “if not this, then what?!” felt like a roar that pushed her into a tight corner.

She said yes. At first, it was exciting. There was money and a sense of freedom to create something unique. Her father became more controlling and aggressive, the capital began to dry up, the business took much more than expected, it began to get into a financial hole, then the father got sick. Gradually the commitment she took on to bring life to a rare opportunity felt like a rope around her neck.

I heard Nora mentioning the word freedom a lot. The freedom to do whatever she wanted, the freedom to use her time as she willed, the freedom to take care of herself with new nourishing practices. It suddenly became clear that the real freedom was actually buried under the fear of making a fresh commitment.

The irony about freedom is that it’s rarely about doing whatever we like and more about the commitments we’re willing to nourish and support. The Buddha said it like this:

“If you see that there’s a greater happiness

that comes from sacrificing a lesser happiness

the enlightened person will sacrifice the lesser happiness

for the sake of greater happiness”.

The hand of commitment needed to be healed from the trauma before Nora could be in movement again.

Ironically, in spite of the freedom that stood in her favour, the demanding voice of Nora’s father got absorbed inside her and bled a judgmental shadow, spilling its wrath on the freedom to commit to the things her heart was thirsty for.

Her self-judgment made sure Nora would not commit again to a vision or a path that is not hers to walk. The self-judgment was an act of love, but a misguided one.

Once we realised what stood in her way, we were able to blow the mould of judgment from the seeds of love and draw a map that would make her precious gems accessible and available to use.

If you’re not clear on how to come out of an emotional struggle or make a shift you long for, let me help you find out what stands in your way in a single session with me and get to the Heart of the Matter.

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