Why You Can't Stop Caring What People Think — And What Your Mother Has to Do With It
- Apr 3
- 6 min read
Has anyone ever told you to “just stop caring what people think”? Perhaps well-intentioned, but for many women, this advice lands as one more thing they’re failing at. Because you’ve tried. And it doesn’t work. Not because you’re weak, but because the part of you asking 'why do I care what people think?' is not looking for a mindset trick. It is trying to make sense of something much deeper. For many women, caring what people think is tied to early relationships, especially with a mother whose voice, approval, criticism, or absence shaped how they came to know themselves. So this isn’t simply about being too sensitive or too dependent on outside validation. It is about what your body learned other people’s voices mean, and why their words can still carry so much weight now.
Why "Stop Caring What People Think" Is Bad Advice
Has it ever happened to you that someone told you, “Stop listening to other people’s voices,” or “What other people say is not important”?
Perhaps well-intentioned, this is a misguided—and sometimes violating—thing to say.
What people say is important.
We are social beings who need each other to feel loved and seen, to be in connection, to experience each other’s reassurance, and to grow our self-knowledge by being mirrored.
HOW we need others — that’s the question.
I was recently a guest on Polly Lavarello’s podcast (LINK POD), Make More Money, where she shared something about herself.
Polly comes across as a very confident woman—and she is—but she’s also, as she said, quite shy.
This is a common misconception about confidence: it’s not always available equally in all areas of life.
So, Polly shared that at parties where she doesn’t know many people (or anyone at all), she feels quite shy.
People tell her, “Just jump into the water,” but instead, she freezes.
This told me that what people say goes out to lunch when it meets her nervous system, so I said:
“Good of you to listen to what’s happening inside yourself so you can respect your needs and not cross your own boundaries.”
Your First Experience of Other People's Voices Was Your Mother
Our first and main source of “what other people say”, is our mother.
Her voice has gravity. Sometimes it’s what she says and how.
But sometimes it is what your mother never said.
A mother's silence can be just as shaping as her words. The absence of her voice — her encouragement, her delight in you, her steady presence — leaves a gap that you learned to fill, often at the expense of your own.
How Your Mother's Voice Lives in You Today
This is how a mother's words — and the absence of them — live in you today:
🍒 Your mum’s voice was absent or silenced and has unconsciously reflected on the value you place today on your own voice.
Perhaps now you’re afraid of speaking up to female authority figures.
Or you keep getting surprised each time you choose to speak up, that people actually enjoy what you have to say.
🍒 Your mother was very critical, dismissive or snappy and now you often feel tense about others’ response to your voice.
Perhaps you just make yourself small, fearing your words will take up too much space.
Or when others give you feedback, it registers automatically as criticism, and you go instinctively into defence.
🍒 Your mum was struggling with mental illness or substance abuse, so your voice had to fill in the silent gaps.
Perhaps now you’re sharing your personal story too quickly with new people, not knowing how to keep your vulnerability safe.
Or you’re always scanning for what others need, and speaking to soothe, fix, or stabilise—before you even check what you feel.
🍒 If your mother was very controlling or mistrusting, you learned to filter yourself constantly, to avoid triggering her suspicion, worry, or control.
Perhaps now you keep your words to yourself out of protection—because that’s the easiest way to have some control.
Or you’d rather go silent than risk being misunderstood or managed.
When You Unravel Your Voice From Your Mother's
Your voice and your mother's voice become entangled in the mother-daughter relationship from the very beginning.
When you unravel your voice from your mum's, you can stop worrying about WHAT people say and begin to trust that HOW and WHY you say something matters more than whether everyone approves.
This is how I help women disentangle from their mother’s voice. And it starts from listening to your system first, just like I shaped it with Polly on her podcast.
What other people say is rarely “just” about what they’re saying. It’s also about what your body learned to expect from others' voices in the first place—through your relationship with your mother.
The mother wound is a rupture in our relationship to ourselves, others and life itself, starting with the rupture in our relationship with our mother.
This rupture shapes how you take in what people say, how much weight you give it, and what you make of it.
What Changes When You Heal the Mother Wound
Recentre is my 1:1 mother wound healing programme, built around exactly this — helping you come back to your own voice and what it knows.
In working with women 1:1, we work to recentre you in your own voice and repair the connection between the voice you want to have — within yourself, with others, and in the world — and a genuine sense of self-worth.
Healing the mother wound allows you to:
🍒 Tell a friend what you actually need the next time you experience a panic attack — the kind of words that actually help you come back to yourself
🍒 Share with a family member why you've created distance with your mum without apologising or bracing for their reaction
🍒 Choose to say the things that matter to you rather than what you think will be palatable to others
When your voice is no longer organised around your mother’s — what you say begins to feel like yours.
We need more women sharing their voices in the world.
My commitment is helping women who’ve had a complex relationship with their mother Recentre around the power of their voice.
The first step into Recentre, healing the mother wound 1:1, is a free 40–60 minute call so you can:
🍒 Have the space and time to share what healing the mother wound would look like for you
🍒 Receive my feedback on how we’ll make that happen
🍒 Leave with clear next steps for your mother wound healing — toward the relationships, the confidence, and the emotional freedom you've been craving for far too long
“I have been having one on one "healing the mother wound" sessions with Shelly for a while now and it has been very beneficial for me.
As someone that has trouble finding words, Shelly's unique approach and techniques of working with body sensations to retrieve core experiences and beliefs works great for me.
She is very compassionate and kind in her communication and makes me feel welcome as I am.
Highly recommended.”
P.S. You don’t need to “stop listening” to people. You need an inner place that can listen without abandoning yourself. That’s what Recentre builds 👉 Book a free call now
P.P.S. Heads up 👉 April 24 workshop: It’s not about Forgiveness, the one thing that healing the mother wound needs
P.P.P.S. I was a guest on Make More Money Podcast and we spoke about the reasons undermothered daughters cross their your own boundaries, what's needed to stop doing that and what will make you more visible with much less efforts 👉 Listen to my conversation on Make More Money
NOT READY TO BOOK A FREE CALL?
NO PROBLEM!
If you need more reassurance that you & I can make a genuine difference to healing your mother wound, here's something you'll enjoy:
Learn how to stop making an effort to fill in a hole in the heart with healing the mother wound in my private podcast BirthRite. Add your details below, and you'll get immediate access to your free episodes 👇
Shelly is a trauma-informed, certified Hakomi therapist helping women who've had a complex relationship with their mother discover the hidden impacts of the mother wound 👉 so they can recentre back into the life they're meant to live
