It’s Not Your fault: How Guilt & Shame Become Embedded Parts of the Mother Wound
- Shelly Sharon
- Oct 10
- 2 min read
Sometimes, when something good finally happens, instead of joy we feel guilt, shame, or even paralysis. If you’ve ever wondered why receiving good news and good things feels so hard--It’s not your fault. It’s an old survival pattern, not a personal failing. For undermothered women, feeling like 'it's your fault' is how guilt & shame become embedded parts of the mother wound.
Last week, I received a positive response from an institution about something I really wanted and needed.
In truth, I didn’t need to work hard at all to get a YES! I didn’t make much of an effort, it didn’t require much preparation, or a long journey, exhausting journey to sweat may way towards a recognition, acknowledgment and a simple “yes, you can have it!.”
And here’s what happened to me right after:
🍍 I found it difficult to believe it actually happened
🍍 I walked around for a couple of days feeling as if I’d done something wrong— as if I had somehow cheated my way to a YES
🍍I felt shame, and as though I need to hide what I had received
🍍I was, somewhat, frozen inside
THIS is a familiar, common experience for many undermothered women as part of their daily lives.
Nothing dramatic needs to happen to trigger these experiences, which are manifestations of a nervous system and an emotional life wired to guilt and/or shame.
In fact, these feelings, sensations and states of mind are often activated not when something dramatic and obviously wrong occurs, but when something good happens— when you receive something positive, when you get exciting news, when you speak up your mind and ask for your rights and needs to be acknowledged, or when you begin to show up in life and for others in a way that is more fully and authentically YOU.
If significant aspects of feeling safe and cared for in your relationship with your mother were missing, that absence was translated and internalised within you as something you did wrong (guilt) or that something about who you are is wrong (shame). In everyday life it shows us as "it's my fault". But I want you to know:
It happened to you, it happened within you—you did not cause it.
So, I was super excited when Jen Weinstein picked up on that point in our conversation on her podcast, The Midlife Edit.
Go ahead and listen now to learn how to unhook yourself from this survival response—and discover how it can be transformed!
In this conversation we also talk about:
🍍 Finding Closure
🍍 Quick mindset shifts to start with
This conversation will help you get clear on the hidden impacts of the mother wound so you can really feel that it's not your fault . Grab your cuppa and PLUG IN TO LISTEN
Want to learn my bespoke healing the mother wound medicine?
Listen to my privet podcast BirthRite:
Shelly's is a CPTSD-informed, certified Hakomi therapist helping women who've had a complex relationship with their mother discover the hidden impacts of the mother wound 👉 so they can thrive in their lives & careers
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