Do You Really Need to See Yourself First to Feel Seen in Relationships?

You've probably heard it before: "You need to love yourself first before someone else can love you." Or: "See yourself clearly, and then others will see you too." If you're trying to heal the mother wound and struggling to feel seen in relationships, that kind of advice doesn't just miss the mark — it can feel deeply shaming. What if you don't know how to see yourself yet? Does that mean you're destined to feel unseen forever? In this post I want to offer you a different answer — one that takes away the shame and replaces it with something far more honest and hopeful.

The most common thing to say about having fulfilling and satisfying relationships is: see yourself first and then another can see you. Not only this can feel so shaming, but as the saying goes, "it's takes two for tango" and it's also true if you want to feel seen in relationship.

Having a complex relationship with your mother often means that you didn't have the chance to learn how to see yourself through the loving, caring or safe eyes of your mother.

You relationship with your mother is the first place you'd want to feel seen in, since we're hardwired for this connection. This unfulfilled relationship ruptures your ability to feel seen in relationships.

The mother wound is a rupture in our relationship to ourselves, others and life itself, rooted in the relationship with our mother.

Through the view of this rupture you might be asking yourself:

What if I don’t like what I see in myself? - Am I doomed to feel unseen in relationships forever?!

What if I don’t know how to see myself? - Does that mean others can never see me for who I am?!

What if seeing myself is scary or complex? - Could I feel seen in relationships without fearing what they'll find?!

Even when you can't show yourself fully or see yourself clearly, it's still possible to feel seen in relationships!

Healing the mother wound's rupture starts in a relationship that feels safe enough and is dedicated to creating relational experiences that rebuild your capacity to see yourself - and enjoy what you're seeing!

In a skilful, therapeutic setting, with someone who has the knowledge about attachment trauma and healing the mother wound, you can come as you are and be deeply seen, heard and understood.

This new experience changes everything in your system, from the way you understand what it means to be in relationship with yourself to the ways you create fulfilling and satisfying relationships in your life--intimate relationships, friendships, communities, at work and more.

You don't need to have all your wounds resolved to feel seen in relationships

The key to successful relationships, where you can feel seen, heard and understood, does not depend on your capacity to have all your wounds resolved before you enter a relationship, be it a personal or a professional relationship.

You don’t have to see yourself first.

In a challenging relationship with your mother, you learn to see her and her needs as a matter of survival. It trains you to look outside yourself and identify what others need, anticipate what would make them happy, refrain from anything that would upset them and pretend that you're ok for the sake of someone else's well being.

This tendency to see others more than you can see yourself leads unconsciously to beliefs such as:

• “It’s risky to share my needs”

• “My need for validation destroys relationships”

• “Nothing comes easy for me - I need to work hard for everything”

• “It's not easy to love me”

Just like you can’t see the blood flow within you, this early childhood beliefs flow in your emotional body, delivering outdated messages about what you need to do, and how hard you need to work in order to feel seen in relationships.

With the help of a relational therapist you can start to uncover those beliefs that stand in your way of seeing yourself loving, fully or in a pleasurable way.

Healing the mother wound in relationships

have you had this experience before?:

You stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful, or that the folds in your belly are gorgeous or that the wrinkles around your eyes are a beautiful sign of your life's journey - but you don't believe yourself.

(And if you do believe yourself - I'm very happy to know that, and I can imagine you've intentionally worked towards eradicating the patriarchial norms for a woman's beauty)

This is why talking about your relationship with your mother alone cannot provide a deep shift for seeing yourself with compassionate, appreciative eyes.

With somatic therapy such as Hakomi you start working with beliefs, such as the ones I gave as examples above, not true words alone but with body-based practices.

The most primal body-based practice is - witnessing.

It's the experience you get when your mother looks with appreciative eyes at the painting you made in kindergarten, or the compassionate eyes she offers you when you share with her your struggle with kids in school, or the understanding eyes she offers you when you try to understand who you want to be in the world.

We are wired to see ourselves through the eyes of others!

When you have the experience of non-judgmental, connected, curious and caring eyes - it changes you from within.

In this way, Hakomi therapy leads to natural shifts in your mother wound when seeing yourself become more accessible and you're able to:

🐦‍🔥 Have the confidence to share your opinions in a work meeting

🐦‍🔥 Say to your life partner that you're done with always adjusting your plans to his/her

🐦‍🔥 Tell your mother it's not ok to come over to your place without asking first

You don't need to see yourself first. Sometimes we learn to feel seen in relationships through the loving and safe gaze of a trusted other — not as a replacement for what your mother couldn't give, but as a new experience that shows you what's truly possible.

Want to change the way you look at yourself and feel seen in relationships?

Let's start with a free call to learn how to make this happen for you 👇

INQUIRE HERE

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Shelly's helping women who've had a complex relationship with their mother and want to release any negative impact to feel awesome about themselves in their life and business