Childhood Messages and the Mother Wound: When You Were Made to Feel You're the Problem
- 7 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
There's a kind of childhood message that never gets spoken out loud. It doesn't arrive as a command or a criticism — it arrives through a sigh, a rolling eye, a silence that your nervous system learned to read long before your mind could make sense of it. These are the implicit messages in childhood of the mother wound: the ones that told you, without a single word, that you were the problem — and that it was your job to become the solution. This post is about what those messages are, where they live in your body, and what it takes to finally get them out of your system.
Before I get into it, I’d like to invite you to a new workshop:
It’s Not About Forgiveness
For women who’ve spent years trying to understand, forgive or fix their relationship with their mother — and want to find what's possible when they centre around themselves instead.
The Message Nobody Said Out Loud
I was interviewed on a podcast last year where Kathy, the host, shared something from her childhood that stopped me in my tracks.
Kathy's mother was a single mum who worked long hours to support them both.
Kathy got the impression that her mother had sacrificed everything for her — left an abusive husband, moved to a new country — so it was her responsibility to make it up to her mum.
To prove she was worth the sacrifices.
So, Kathy spark-cleaned the house every day. From top to bottom — dusting shelves, mopping the floor, doing the washing, and making the beds. From the age of 7.
She told me she wanted to make her mum proud of her, but her mother wasn’t so impressed.
It never stopped Kathy from trying.
The message Kathy received wasn't spoken. Kathy’s mum never demanded it, but Kathy felt an implied message that told her: You are the problem—and you are the solution.
When You Became the Problem and the Solution
Many of my clients are familiar with the act of efforting that is being the perfect daughter:
🌻 You work hard to impress your mum, yet she has zero interest in what you do — or comments that your career success is pure luck
🌻 You date the people your mother approves of, even when they're not your type, and when you are hurt, she blames you
🌻 You make yourself thin enough, pretty enough, available enough — but nothing is ever enough for her
And even when you’re a grown woman, perhaps with a family of your own (and yes, being childfree or living with your cats counts as family), you're still contorting yourself to accommodate her limitations and turning a deaf ear to her insulting behaviour.
But then the diminishing comments come from others, too:
“But she’s your mum,” always said as a sententiously, irrefutable-fact-kinda-tone.
This message from family members, teachers, therapists, and strangers only reinforce the implicit messages you've already integrated. It's a confirmation that it's your duty to be the perfect daughter.
Otherwise, the common alternatives are becoming: the black sheep, the difficult one or the rebel.
But precisely because she’s the mum you had, and still have, the right to demand to be seen, met, understood, cared for, protected, and you know what? You had the right to just be a child.
What Implicit Messages Actually Are — and How They Enter Your Body
One of my best friends is a single mum, and I can tell you one thing about her (absolutely gorgeous, I adore her) daughter—she’s not spending her time sparkle-cleaning the house for her mum.
She is completely immersed in her hobbies, playing the flute, riding horses and spending time with her friends. She’s got an unshakable confidence and zest for life.
Being a hard working or a single mum is not automatically a recipe for wounding your daughter.
It’s all the implicit messages you receive as a child that lead you to take on responsibility over something that was never your burden to carry.
🌻 A girl who makes a painting for her mum at school is not the same girl who comes home and starts cleaning the house.
🌻 A 3-year-old whose mum gives a kiss on her forehead when she’s sick is not the same 3-year-old who takes care of her siblings because that’s her role in the house.
Implicit messages are exactly that—they’re implied through communication cues, rolling eyes, sighs, and much more body language than your nervous system and psyche know what to make of way before your mind can understand them rationally.
Which is why I work with somatic for healing the mother wound.
If you spent significant time in your life focusing on trying to forgive, accept or understand your mother, it’s a sign that you, too, have absorbed implicit messages in your childhood that made you feel and think that you are the problem.
These implicit messages imply that it’s on you to make this relationship right. It’s on you to protect or change your mother so you could, in exchange, get your needs met.
How These Messages Shape-Shift Into Your Adult Life
Once these messages are absorbed, they don't stay in your relationship with your mother. They shape-shift into your life when:
🌻 A friend hasn’t immediately responded to your text, and you immediately assume you did something wrong
🌻 Your partner hasn’t kissed you on the forehead before bedtime, and you start running through everything you said that day
🌻 You succeed at something, and your first feeling is not joy but a quiet sense that you don't quite deserve it
🌻 You feel the urge to make yourself smaller, easier, and less—just to keep the peace
Getting the Implicit Messages Out of Your System
I want you to get these implicit messages out of your system—because after more than a decade of helping women heal their mother wound, I know this is how you shift from focusing on being the perfect daughter to centring on the life you were meant to live.
YOU ARE INVITED:
It’s Not About Forgiveness
A Relational and Somatic Workshop for Undermothered Women
Who’ve spent years trying to understand, forgive, or fix their relationship with their mother
And want to find what's possible when they centre around themselves instead
🌻 Happens on: Friday, April 24th, 5:30 to 7:00 pm CET
(4:30–6:00 pm BST, 11:30 am – 1:00 pm EST)
🌻 Registration opens on: Friday 17th
🌻 Early bird bonus, limited to 8 women: Sign up within the first 24 hours and receive a FREE 1:1 WITH ME
(to be used by May 15th at the latest)
In this workshop, you’ll be offered 2-3 somatic practices to:
🌻 Gain the energetic shift that comes from restoring emotional safety that lets you focus, guilt-free on your own life
🌻Discover some of the habits and patterns that keep you looping back into trying to understand, forgive or accept your mother, so you can U-turn towards yourself
This is a great space for you if:
🌻 You’re done centring your healing process around your mother’s wish-list and ready to recentre around your life force
🌻You want to gain a first-hand experience of the immediate shifts somatic, Hakomi work offers so you can integrate your insights on the spot (rather than try to apply later what's in your notes).
The waiting list has filled up quickly.
So make sure you're on it if you want a chance
to be one of the eight women who get a free 1:1 with me
When you're on the list, you get the first email to join in.
The implicit messages we absorb in childhood can be stubborn. If you feel ready for deeper, more personal work, my 1:1 programme Recentre is where we do exactly that 👉 Book a free get-together call. You'll have the space to tell me what you want your life to look like on the other side of this.
NOT READY TO BOOK A FREE CALL?
NO PROBLEM!
If you need more reassurance that you & I can make a genuine difference to healing your mother wound, here's something you'll enjoy:
Learn how to stop making an effort to fill in a hole in the heart with healing the mother wound in my private podcast BirthRite. Add your details below, and you'll get immediate access to your free episodes 👇
Shelly is a trauma-informed, certified Hakomi therapist helping women who've had a complex relationship with their mother discover the hidden impacts of the mother wound 👉 so they can recentre back into the life they're meant to live
