The Most Difficult Feeling You Can Have
Ray had a big farmhouse with Moth, her husband, whom she deeply loved. On that land they raised their two kids, loved their animals and offered holiday spaces in nature for people.
It was their home. They repaired it, groomed it, put their love and sweat into it. And then one day, because they didn’t read the small print in the contract for investing money in their friend's business, they lost it all.
They were left homeless. And also with the fresh news that Moth had a degenerative disease with an agonising prospect.
Bereft of all they had worked hard for, all that they loved, their shelter and safety, they decided to walk the South West Coastal Path, their only belongings a couple of backpacks containing what little they needed for the journey. They had to figure out what to do with their life while processing the grief.
In the middle of reading the second book, where Ray and Moth have been offered a farmhouse to live in with land needing to be rehabilitated, and Ray’s book has become a success, I started to feel jealousy.
How low of me, right?!
At least, that’s how I felt. I knew how difficult it was for them to live on a small government budget, to suffer people’s abuse (I didn’t know there was so much hatred and intolerance towards homeless people), and not know how long Moth had to live.
I knew how difficult it was for them later to live again under a roof and start trusting people again. But still I was jealous.
I felt a pang in my belly and a constriction in my throat: their new home by the sea, their newfound purpose of restoring the biodiversity of the land, recreating the apple orchard and making cider again like the monks who had lived there centuries ago; her book -- successful, praised, appreciated...
Feelings are very personal. Each of us has a different relationship with different feelings. Yet it seems that we also tend to have some common impressions regarding the big ones — anger, sadness, frustration or disappointment.
We’re afraid of showing ourselves in our sadness because it’s judged to be spineless, lazy, a failure.
And anger is blamed for being uncivilised (with the threat of being outcast), even dangerous and unreliable.
To be frustrated is to be like a child, whereas to be disappointed is to be foolish, because obviously no one owes you anything and you’re supposed to get a grip on yourself and move on.
But perhaps the most jarring feeling of all, one that hardly anyone will admit to, is jealousy.
Jealousy is treated like a plague. If you have it, it’s like you’re infected with a contagious disease. To admit jealousy is to declare indignity.
To experience jealousy is to feel so completely out of control. To burn with the pang of our hunger from inside.
Jealousy is like death where we see the end of our capacity to control life’s narrative, so we can witness how tender and raw our wishes and dreams are. Enervated and consumed by the unbridled wailing of our grief, jealousy tells us that our hunger cannot be nourished by comparison nor by judgment and self-condemnation.
What are you HUNGRY for?
Which part of you feels UNSEEN, UNAPPRECIATED or UNHEARD?
It’s an immense relief to discover that looking closely at our suffering — be it jealousy, anger, sadness — soothes the hunger and fills our human neediness with soft, joyful compassion.
Any human feeling we experience, no matter how demanding emotionally, exhausting energetically, is an opportunity to see how fabricated the stories of the mind are, how real the present moment is.
In the realness of the present moment, jealousy about what others have becomes — a need for true connection, a yearning for nature, a pure wish for a satiating love.
Once jealousy is seen to be the true heart's hunger, we can come out of our caved, dark shelter to find a true home in our life, in this world.
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I highly recommend reading Raynor Winn The Salt path & The Wild Silence
These reflections have been made possible through the steadiness of meditation practice — where the exit from the feeling-labyrinth is clearly mapped out. If this speaks to you, I’ve made some of it available in the form of a meditation album.
Since I didn’t get around to sending you a reminder for the 50% sale that was meant to end on Sep 29th, it’ll go on until tomorrow, Oct 2nd. If you wish to enjoy it, follow the button below. There won’t be any other reminders.
You can get the whole album or just the single track.
R.A.D meditation album — a 6 track guided meditations to feel Radiant, Aligned and Daring.
More than two hours of guidance to follow your breath and find flow and rejuvenation, letting go and fresh expression, abundance and creativity, strength, trust and inner wisdom and courage.
Suitable for both beginners and those with experience in meditation.
The album is a digital product which you’ll be able to download immediately after purchase.
Shelly's helping women who live a connected & engaged life when they feel stuck to heal wounds and deepen their self-trust so they can be a full & authentic expression of themselves.
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Photo by Alice Alinari on Unsplash
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